Voyager At The Olympics
Written By Sazzy and nilbig
February 2012(download as a word doc)
<Voyager Intro Music>
Scene 1 – Conference Room
Narrator: It’s another day in the Delta Quadrant and on board Voyager the senior staff are having a meeting in the conference room, minus two notable crew members.
Chakotay: …so the Captain and Seven are busy analysing the latest seismic readings from Giganticus Boobilius Prime, which means as second in command I’m in charge today.
Tom: <coughing as says> wanker <more coughing>
Chakotay: Are you all right Lieutenant Paris?
Tom: <coughing> Just a little frog in my throat
Chakotay: So as I was saying, the captain has charged me with coming up with something to boost crew morale.
Harry: <coughing as says>arsehole < more coughing>
Chakotay: Ensign Kim?
Harry: <coughing> Sorry, it must be catching
Chakotay: So anyway, after Neelix’s dubious success with Eurovision last year, I’ll hand you over to him to outline his latest brainwave.
Neelix: Thank you, Commander. After the fabulous time we had at Eurovision I’ve had another rummage through Earth's cultural history databases and discovered something called… <dramatic pause>…The Olympics.
Chakotay: Carry on, Neelix
Neelix: The Olympics is a series of sporting events that prove a test of athleticism, stamina, imagination, talent…oh, and water polo. My idea is that we hold a Delta Quadrant Olympics, inviting anyone who wishes to participate to join us so we can foster better relations with the Delta Quadrant along with having a good time.
<silence for a few seconds, sound of wind blowing and tumbleweeds as no one has anything to say>
Chakotay: So…er…does anyone have any thoughts? How about you B’Elanna?
Chakotay: pardon, lieutenant?
B’Elanna: <still muttering>no
Chakotay: I still can’t hear you
B’Elanna: <shouting really loudly> I SAID NO, NOBHEAD!
<sound of B’Elanna stomping out and door opening and closing>
Chakotay: Er…so…right…anyone know what that was about?
Harry: Didn’t you hear? After the latest incident with the exotic erotic dancing girls, the over-sized watermelon and the crotchless panties, Seven insisted that the Captain take a vow of monogamy. Needless to say, B’Elanna’s not too happy about missing out on all those late night “analysis” sessions in the captain’s quarters.
Tom: Why didn’t you tell me this?
Harry: So you could make some feeble attempt to win B’Elanna back?
Tom: <indignantly> No
Chakotay: Great, so now we have a majorly pissed off Klingon roaming the corridors. Tuvok, you should go and talk to her.
Tuvok: I do not see the logic in that course of action.
Tom: The logic is Commander Chakotay isn’t going to do it since he doesn’t want his nuts ripped off and fed to him with a rusty spoon.
Chakotay: Not at all, I just think with his calm, logical mind, Tuvok might be able to get through to her.
Tom: <coughing as says> Bollocks <more coughing as says>on a spoon <coughing>
Chakotay: Anyway, that’s decided - Tuvok you go speak to her.
Tuvok: If you insist, Commander.
Chakotay: Right then, back to the business at hand – someone must have some thoughts on the Olympics idea
Doc: Oo, oo!
Chakotay: Yes, doctor?
Doc: I was just studying Neelix’s research and I see they had a cultural Olympiad as part of the celebrations – we could do that too. Art, Singing, dancing – I could do my Kate Bush again… <breaks into song> Woaaaaahhh, Babu… <sound of a slap> …ow!
Tom: Sorry, my hand slipped
Chakotay: In that case if no one has anything else, I’ll take this idea to the Captain.
<end of scene music>
Scene 2 - Captain’s Quarters
Narrator: Meanwhile, in the Captain’s Quarters, the Captain and Seven are making good progress on their analysis of Ginganticus Boobilius Prime…
Janeway: Ohhhhhhh, yes, just there
Seven: You liked that? How about this.
Janeway: Ohhhhhhhh yesss…more
Seven: More? More power to the clittorball?
Janeway: Ahhhhhhhhh <sounds of panting> ohhhhhh
Seven: Or another couple of inches of this strap on?
Seven: Come on Kathryn you can take it - ride me baby!
<chime rings on quarters>
Janeway: Who the fuck is that?
Seven: Just ignore them.
<chime rings again>
Janeway: Arghhhh! I’ve lost my rhythm now.
Seven: Why don’t you answer it? I will be in the bedroom with the clittorball control…waiting.
<chime rings again>
Janeway: All right, all right! Just give me a moment.
<sound of clothes being put on>
Janeway: Come in.
<sound of door opening and closing>
Chakotay: Good afternoon, Captain. Are you alone?
Janeway: Of course, alone and working hard.
Chakotay: Only I thought you were doing analysis with Seven.
<from this point Seven is playing with the Clittorball controls so when Janeway speaks she keeps bursting into random moans and groans>
Janeway: No, just working hard on my ohhhhhhhh-wn
Chakotay: Captain? Are you all right?
Janeway: It’s nothing. So what was it you w…ah-ah-ah-ah…wanted?
Chakotay: I just came to let you know that Neelix has come up with the idea of a Delta Quadrant Olympics to boost crew morale.
Janeway: Wasn’t that the thing where they used to have contests and…oooooo, mama…give out medals?
Chakotay: Yes, it’s some sort of test of athletic stamina and prowess.
Janeway: Prowess you say? Hmm, I can see it now – gold medal for synchronised orgies…oh…god…bronze in bondage…ahhhh, yes…silver in free style strap on wielding…
Chakotay: I’m not quite sure if those are the events that are meant to be in it.
Janeway: Ohhhhhhh…what? Did you say something? Delta…<gasp>…Quadrant…<gasp>…Sexual…<gasp>…Olympics…<gasp>…Do It!
Chakotay: You’re really sure that’s what you want me to send out in the invites?
Janeway: <with ecstasy and a tinge of frustration> Yesssssssssssssss.
Chakotay: Ok, I’ll get right on it.
<sound of doors opening and closing>
Janeway: <heavy breathing noises as she gulps in air>
Seven: You look a little flushed, Kathryn. Did what the Commander had to say excite you?
Janeway: You little Borg Minx! You know exactly what excited me – you playing with the blasted clittorball controls while I was trying to have a sensible conversation.
Seven: A sensible conversation with wood-for-brains, I think that is what they call an oxymoron.
Janeway: He’s certainly a moron of some sort. Anyway, back to you and your fiddling – I will have to punish you.
Seven: <half-heartedly resisting> oh no, please, don’t.
Janeway: And to make sure I give you a thorough ticking off I think you should pay a visit to our favourite shop first.
<end of scene music>
Scene 3 - Frau Neun und Sechzig’s Emporium of Pleasure
Narrator: And so Seven embarks on an away mission to the nearest pleasure planet, taking Neelix and the Doctor with her. We find them walking on a quaint old-eee, world-eee shopping street - think Diagon Alley from Harry Potter, only with more aliens and sex shops.
<sound of shop door bell going>
Frau: Welcome to Frau Neun und Sechzig’s Emporium of Pleasure, how may I serve you?
Seven: So many options, so little time. Doctor - why don’t you and Neelix browse while I consult with the Frau.
Doc: So are you after anything in particular, Mr Neelix?
Neelix: Just browsing for something for me and Harry, we really enjoyed the vibrating butt plug. I could hardly get Harry off it.
Doc: That is far more than I needed or wanted to know.
Neelix: And what about you? Maybe a nice ball gag, a leather gimp mask, a few whips and harnesses?
Doc: No, I’m just doing some research for the Cultural Olympiad.
Neelix: In a sex shop?
Doc: It seemed appropriate after the Captain’s little mix up with the content of the games. A Delta Quadrant Sexual Olympics! Only she could come up with such a thing.
Neelix: I guess no one wanted to correct her. Oo, would you look at that.
Doc: What are they?
Neelix: They’re a pair of heated underpants – you wear them in order to heat your scrotum to optimum temperature before you…
Doc: Stop! Just keep your scrotum to yourself.
Narrator: Elsewhere in the shop, Seven and the Frau are definitely not thinking about scrotums.
Frau: And so you just insert this here and then…
Frau: Good isn’t it?
Seven: Efficient. Can I adjust the length and girth?
Frau: Yes it has multiple settings and comes with a fully water proof remote control
Seven: Very efficient. I'll take it
Frau: We have some recently arrived stock that maybe of interest to our more discerning customers
Seven: Show me
Frau: We call it our 'Easy Access Restraint Collection'
Seven: I'm sure the Captain and I could make use of it
Frau: How about a newly designed sex swing
Seven: Got one…Do not try and pass last years stock off as “newly designed”, Frau, you really would not want a disgruntled Captain Janeway on your tail.
Frau:<whispers to self> I don't know, the infamous Janeway on my tail sounds like fun
Seven: Did you say something, Frau?
Frau: <Cough, splutter> NO!
Seven: I thought not. Do you have edible underwear?
Frau: Oh yes, I have a lovely set of melon bras. They are a little tight but my lover...
Seven: <impatiently interrupting> I did not mean you personally, Frau!
Frau: Ah yes, right over here. Any flavour in particular?
Frau: Of course
Seven: Oh good, I see you have more of my favourite sex toys?
Frau: What? Where?
Seven: Those at the end of the aisle. In their own carrier, how very efficient.
Frau: <surprised> THESE?
<sound of something metallic being picked up and clonking>
Seven: Yes, they were a great success last time
Frau: But, but, they are not sex toys. They are my golf clubs. I'm doing a quick nine holes after work.
Seven: Believe me, they are sex toys. You just lack the Borg ingenuity and search for perfection to see them as such. I did more than nine holes with them.
Frau: <sounding shocked> WHAT?
Seven: I'll take a five iron, a wedge and a box of those red tees.
< sound of cash register >
Seven: Now, if you two have quite finished salivating over the selection of butt plugs, we should head back to the ship.
< sound of teleport >
Narrator: As the crew members beam away, someone emerges from the shadows of the shop. Someone with pale skin and beady eyes, someone…oh, sod it. I don’t know why I’m beating about the bush. It’s the Borg Queen. Obviously she’s been listening to what has been discussed in the shop.
BQ: So, Voyager is holding a Sexual Olympics. I’m sure I shall be able to bottom the table. Not to mention what I can do on the Captain’s table…
Frau: How are you getting on there, madam, have you found anything to satisfy your tastes yet?
BQ: I’m not sure, it’s a toss up between a suede flogger whip or the leather hand paddle whip. What do you think?
Frau: Well both have their charms. I do rather like the rosy hand print left on the buttocks by the leather hand paddle whip.
BQ: True, but then I do like the sensation of trailing a flogger over a nice set of tight taut nipples not to mention a clit gently enticed out of its hood
Frau: Well who doesn't? Have you seen our selection of bull whips? With easy grip bulbous handle which doubles as a dildo
BQ: Once you have struck it…
Frau: <completing sentence> …then you fuck it.
BQ: Decisions, decisions, sod it, I'll take all three!
BQ: Oh, and look my favourites…I'll take a five iron and a belly putter
Frau: <to herself> Maybe I should take a closer look at my golf clubs…
<end of scene music>
Scene 4 - Messhall
Narrator: Back on Voyager, Harry and Tom are in the messhall.
<messhall noises, general background convos etc>
Harry: Hey, Tom, have you seen this list of events that Captain came up with?
Tom: Yeah, I need to enter something that will impress, B’Elanna. I reckon I have a chance of winning her back now the Captain’s taken her vow of monogamy.
Harry: Far be it for me to burst your delusional bubble.
Harry: Never mind. Let’s have a look at the list...hmm…how about Tag Baby Oil Wrestling?
Tom: I don’t know, she’d think I just wanted to perv over the Delaney Twins writhing around semi-naked and lubricated.
Harry: I heard they were entering the naked synchronised trampoline event actually.
Tom: Interesting, but not the point. Next!
Harry: Ok…then let’s see...weight-lifting?
Tom: That doesn’t sound very sexually orientated?
Harry: It is when it’s a very small set of weights and the men don’t lift it with their hands…
Tom: <incredulous> You mean they lift it with their todger?
Harry: You’d probably need to get some sort of penis enlarging equipment to help you train. I tried it once with Neelix, he had a huge smile on his face for about a week after.
Tom: Oh god, was that the week he was carrying that ring cushion around everywhere with him?
Harry: Ahem, yes, well, moving on…transvestites triatholon?
Tom: Hmm, it’s a possible – it would show B’Elanna I’m in touch with my feminine side.
Harry: By wearing a wig and a frock?
Tom: Hey, you’re into all that stuff, you can help me prepare.
Harry: Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I’m a raving queen.
Tom: Who are you trying to fool? I’ve seen your collection of sequined dresses and matching stilettos.
Harry: What can I say? Neelix likes the way my calves look in them. All right, I guess I can help you out with training. The triatholon consists of swimming in a one piece, cycling in lycra and stiletto heels and running in an evening dress while carrying a matching clutch or hand bag. All of course done while made up suitably.
Tom: Sounds like a winner to me
<end of scene music>
Scene 5 – Engineering
Narrator: Meanwhile in engineering, Torres is trying to work out her frustrations at not getting any nookie with the Captain by bashing at a plasma conduit. However, she is disturbed by Neelix, returned from his trip planet-side.
Neelix: Hey, B’Elanna
<sound of thud – Torres has hit her head on the console>
B’Elanna: Fuck! Bugger! Bollocks!
Neelix: Er…I can come back later if it’s not a good time…
B’Elanna: Did you get what I asked for?
Neelix: Yep, one of Frau Neun und Sechzig’s finest lust potions, guaranteed to make whoever you give it to fall in lust with the first person they see. Who are you going to give it to?
B’Elanna: No one you know.
Neelix: Not the captain?
B’Elanna: <nervously> No, of course not, don’t be silly. The captain, ha ha, as if.
Neelix: Are you ok, you look a little hot and bothered?
B’Elanna: Me? No, I’m fine. In fact you’re the one that looks a little flushed...and…are your trousers smoking?
Neelix: What? Oh crap! Must have turned the pants up too high! See you later B’Elanna!
Narrator: Neelix runs off to sort out his steaming hot pants and leaves and B’Elanna to study the luminous blue liquid of the lust potion.
<sound of footsteps on metal>
B’Elanna: Oh shit, someone’s coming…Kahless! What am I going to do with this…bloody Starfleet uniforms without pockets…
Tuvok: <calling from a little distance> Lieutenant Torres?
B’Elanna: <drinking noises followed by a gulp>
Tuvok: Ah, there you are. Commander Chakotay asked me to come and speak with you about your behaviour in the conference room.
B’Elanna: Tuvok…<pause>…has anyone ever told you what beautiful eyes you have?
Tuvok: Pardon, lieutenant?
B’Elanna: And that uniform…ooo…it’s giving me goosebumps just imagining ripping it off with my teeth.
Tuvok: Lieutenant, this is not appropriate behaviour.
B’Elanna: Why don't I introduce my blood fever to your Pon farr? They can get down and dirty together…
<sound of feet running>
B’Elanna: Wait, where are you going? I was going to suggest a little body melding…
<end of scene music>
Scene 6 – Future Earth, The Admiral’s House
Narrator: Meanwhile, back on Earth and some time in the future, Admiral Janeway is in the middle of some tense negotiations with the Borg Queen who is in the Delta Quadrant in the past…that is the past relative to the Admiral…that is the Borg Queen’s in the timeline of the rest of this play…Yeah, I know it hurts my head too. Just go with it.
Admiral: Now lick your fingers and circle your nipples…slowly, slowly
Narrator: Ok, so I lied - they’re having phone sex.
Admiral: I said circle them, not pinch them…not yet.
BQ: How did you know?
Admiral: I know you, my little subby. I hope you prepared as per my orders.
BQ: Yes, I am lying on my back in the centre of my chamber. Your favourite dildo is within easy reach. The clittorball is attached and has been on low all day. Do you know how hard it is to control billions of Borg Drones when you are in a constant state of arousal?
Admiral: No, nor do I care. With one hand set the clitttorball to high and with the other keep circling your nipples. No direct contact.
BQ: Please I need to pinch them…ahhhh…tug them…ahhhh…Twist…pleassssssssse
Admiral: If you do I will cut this communication and I WILL know if you do.
BQ: Admiral, please I need I need…ahhhhhhhhh
Admiral: I know what you need. Spread your legs lift your knees stroke your clit with the dildo
Admiral: Now slide it a little lower. Circle don't enter, now you can pinch your nipples
BQ: Oh so good. I'm so…ahhhhhhh…close almost…ahhhhhh…there. I want to come for you.
Admiral: Don't come until I give you permission. And make sure your link to the collective is open so when you come every drone in the delta quadrant feels it
Admiral: Now you can put that dildo where you want it most, come for me my little Borg slut. Let me hear you
that for multiple orgasms. God, I am good, so very good.
<Admiral starts coughing/choking in disgust>
BQ: Are you OK?
Admiral: Ugh, I just had a horrible thought - please tell me Chakotay is not still linked to those rebel former Borg drones. I am going to be physically sick if I have just shared an orgasm with Planky.
BQ: You need not worry, I had those former drones terminated after they were so badly contaminated. All those vacuous thoughts of medicine bundles, spirit guides and Akoochi-hoochi-whatsit floating around, it was giving me a headache.
Admiral: Not too much of a headache for sex though, eh, you old slapper.
BQ: Talking of slappers, your former self has excelled herself this time – she’s holding a Sexual Olympics for the entire Delta Quadrant.
Admiral: She’s holding a sex contest for the whole quadrant? Right, I have to go!
<communication gets cut>
Admiral: Admiral Janeway to Seven
Old-Seven: <over comm.> Yes, Kathryn?
Admiral: Meet me at the experimental time travelling shuttle craft – NOW!
Old-Seven: Don't tell me, Kathryn, you’ve just finished talking dirty to the Borg Queen and are feeling all hot and bothered and want me to take care of it. Patience, it is still 28.5 minutes until our lunch time shag and we crossed the shuttle craft off our list last week. Today it is diddling in the officer's dinning room.
Admiral: Just do it!
<end of scene music>
Scene 7 – Future Earth, Docking Bay
Narrator: Seven hot foots it straight to the shuttle docking bay, but when she gets there she finds the Admiral is just regaining consciousness. She is groggily on her hands and knees moaning slightly as she tries to regain her feet.
Old-Seven: Really, Kathryn, we crossed rear docking in the shuttle bay off our list over a month ago.
Admiral: Get your mind out of the gutter, Seven. Can't you see I've been attacked and
the Experimental Time-Travelling Shuttle Craft’s been stolen. Before you ask, I’m fine. Only my pride is injured.
Old-Seven: Who did this?
Admiral: That Borg hating bitch Necheyev. She was ranting about you being the darling of Starfleet. She’s travelling back through time and space to kill you before Voyager returns to Earth. We have to stop her. I've never liked the way she looked at you full of hate and distrust like she wanted to dissect you.
Old-Seven: Really? I always thought she looked at me like she wanted to get in my knickers. She is in denial.
Admiral: She is also in the Shuttle.
Old-Seven: We will stop her.
Admiral: How are we going to stop her without the Shuttle?
Old-Seven: There is only one other way we can get back to Voyager. The...
Admiral: …Winky Wonky Worm Hole.
Admiral: There IS a reason it’s called Winky Wonky. It winks open then closes and goes wonky. We could end up anywhere in time and space. It’s very risky. No, it's too dangerous.
Old-Seven: I have been studying it and think I can predict its activity with 90% accuracy. We have faced stiffer odds. Life is getting a bit boring – let’s take a walk on the wild side.
Admiral: And if we end up in the 10% at least we will be together.
Old-Seven: Indeed. It will have to be a quick in and out - we have a 48 hour window.
Admiral: Oh yeah…I always enjoy a good quick in and out.
Old-Seven: Now whose mind is in the gutter?
Admiral: Talking of the gutter, I've not told you about the Sexual Olympics have I?
Old-Seven: <spluttering> Sexual Olympics?
Admiral: I'll tell you on the way
<end of scene music>
Scene 8 - Captain’s Ready Room/Bridge
Narrator: Meanwhile on Voyager, Janeway and Seven are in the Captain’s ready room, planning their activities for the Olympics, unaware of the potential danger not to mention the horny Admiral that might be about to turn up.
Janeway: I still think you should enter the breast shot putting, you’d be able to ping it miles off those babies.
Seven: I am unsure how that event would work.
Janeway: Here, let me demonstrate. I place the shot put on your breasts like so.
Seven: Is it also required that you fondle them?
Janeway: And then you just sort of bounce it off, see how far you can get it. Go on, give it a go.
< sound of glass smashing and a heavy thud as shot put hits carpet >
Janeway: I never liked that sculpture anyway
Chakotay: <over comm> Captain Janeway to the bridge.
Janeway: Arghhhhh! Why must I always be interrupted by idiots? Or one idiot to be precise.
Seven: Are you sure you do not want me to eject him from an airlock?
Janeway: Tempting, but then who would I give all the shitty jobs to?
< sound of doors opening and closing as they go onto the bridge >
Janeway: All right, Commander, what’s got your knickers in a twist this time?
Chakotay: Maybe you should take a look. Tuvok…er…has anyone seen Lieutenant Tuvok?
Doc: Last I saw him he was running down a corridor on deck 5 with Lieutenant Torres chasing him shouting “give it to me big boy, give it to me now.”
Chakotay: What…the…I don’t even want to know. I’ll put it on screen myself.
<sound of screen flickering on>
BQ: Hello assorted humans, aliens and…I don’t know what you’re classed as Chakotay…plant life?
Janeway: Here we go again. What do you want this time, you borg harlot?
BQ: Now that’s not a very nice way to greet your first entrant for the Delta Quadrant Sexual Olympics
Janeway: How the frig did you hear about that? Chakotay, I thought I told you expressly to block transmission on any borg monitored frequencies?
BQ: Worried that I will beat you all?
Janeway: Ha! Like you beat us in Eurovision?
BQ: Yes…well…you cheated, it was a fix!
Seven: The captain does not need to fix anything in order to beat the likes of you. She will more than happily whip you into submission at cross country thigh riding, roger you senseless in freestyle dildo, slap your…
Janeway: <interrupting quickly> Yes, thank you, Seven.
BQ: In that case you’ll be happy to let me enter.
Janeway: <grumbling to self> Fine!
<end of scene music>
Scene 9 – Borg Cube
Narrator: Fresh from talking to Voyager, the Borg Queen relaxes on her Borg Cube with a little music and a Magarita or two.
< “I Am What I Am” plays in background, BQ is heard humming to it >
Borg Collective: ALIEN VESSEL DETECTED IN SECTOR 5-1-7
<sound of drink being dropped and smashing>
BQ: For fuck’s sake! Can’t you keep it down a bit?
Borg Collective: You do realise we are you. Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness you know.
BQ: Shut up and put the vessel on screen.
Borg Collective: As you command.
BQ: Hmm, it looks futuristic…
Borg Collective: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
BQ: Will you be quiet for a moment!
Borg Collective: But we always say that
BQ: Don’t you think it would be nice that if just once we invited someone on board, had a few drinks, a little chat, a game or two? I’ve been waiting ages to find someone to play naked twister with me.
Borg Collective: But then we get to assimilate them?
BQ: Of course. Now tractor that vessel on board and bring the occupant to me.
Narrator: And so Admiral Necheyev’s shuttle is pulled into the Borg Cube and the Admiral dragged before the Borg Queen by a couple of drones.
Necheyev: Get your filthy borg hands off me!
<sound of spray can>
Necheyev: What the fuck was that? Borg nans in a can?
BQ: Oh relax. It’s standard operating procedure. Who knows what bugs, germs and diseases you have brought back through time and space with you?
Necheyev: I don’t have any germs, you Borg bitch!
BQ: What is it about feisty women in Starfleet uniforms that gets me all hot and bothered? You understand I must frisk you.
Necheyev: What? No!
BQ: Who knows what you are hiding inside that uniform. Assume the position Admiral.
Necheyev: I will…<pause and then suddenly much more compliant>…do exactly as you say.
BQ: I knew you would. Now, legs further apart…Oh, Admiral, are you hiding bullets in your bra…
<end of scene music>
Scene 10 – Holodeck
Narrator: A couple of days later the crew of Voyager are getting into the swing of things with a spot of practise for the upcoming Olympics in the holodeck.
Tom: Hey, Harry, did you bring along that pair of shoes for me? I need to practice my stiletto running.
Harry: Yep, here you go, I’ll give you a hand putting them on. Mmm, you have very well-defined calf muscles you know…
Neelix: What’s going on here?
Harry: Hi, Neelix, we’re just practising for the Olympics.
Neelix: Practising feeling up Tom more like it! And hang on, aren’t those your shoes?
Harry: Yes, I’m lending them to Tom for the transvestite triathlon.
Neelix: Oh, I see. You’ll never let me borrow any of your stuff, but as soon as pretty-boy-Paris flutters his eyelashes at you, you go all goo-goo
Tom: Actually these eyelashes belong to Harry too…
Neelix: Are you making a move on my boyfriend?
Harry: Neelix, you’re making a fool of yourself
Neelix: I’m making a fool of myself? You’re the one cracking onto every male crew member dressed in a short skirt and cheap shoes.
Harry: They are not cheap!
Neelix: Cheap, cheap, cheapity-cheap! Just like you! Oh..oh…shit…bugger…blasted pants!
<sounds of Neelix running off, the following exclamations getting quieter and quieter>
Tom: Is he always such a drama queen? I mean, really, me and you? Who would put us two together as a couple…apart from in fiction…not that I’ve read any of that…well, maybe just a bit, for the story, you know…Oh, look, B’Elanna!
B’Elanna: <abrupt> Have you seen Tuvok?
Tom: Er…no. What do you think of my shoes? I’m entering the transvestite triathlon.
B’Elanna: <bored> yes, very nice <more animated> Tuvok must be around here somewhere, I’ve looked pretty much everywhere else on the ship for that burning hunk of Vulcan love.
Harry: Isn’t that him over there, trying to hide behind Commander Chakotay…who’s wearing some rather revealing shorts as it happens…
B’Elanna: Oh, it is! Coo-eee, Tuvok! Don’t make me come over there and spank your bad Vulcan ass!
Narrator: While the others continue their practice, or continue trying to hide from a rampant Lieutenant Torres in the case of Tuvok, Janeway and Seven enter the holodeck.
Seven: I’m not sure why we needed to come here. I hardly think you need any practise for a sexual Olympics.
Janeway: But as Captain I should be seen to be supporting the crew.
Seven: And of course, it’s nothing to do with wanting to watch the Delaney twins practising naked trampolining?
Janeway: They are? Oh yes, so they are.
<sound of someone on trampoline>
Janeway: Very impressive, well done, Megan.
Delaney Twin: I’m Jenny.
Janeway: Of course you are; you have that birthmark on your right breast.
Seven: Is that why you were staring at that spot so much? Oh…oh…I think my abdominal implant may be about to perform re-gurgitation
Seven: I think I’m going to be sick.
Janeway: Why…oh…I see…
Chakotay: Captain, Seven – as you can see the whole crew is really getting into the swing of things.
Janeway: Talking of which, that’s an interesting pair of shorts, Commander
Chakotay: They’re made from something called lycra. It was all the rage back in the time of the Olympics.
Janeway: They look a little…snug…are you sure they’re the right size?
Chakotay: Yep, small – you want to keep the old meat and two veg wrapped up nice and tight
Seven: <retching noises>
Chakotay: They show off my firm buttocks too, see…
Seven: <more retching>
Janeway: Maybe you should go and work on those some more?
Chakotay: You’re right, you can never have too firm buttocks.
<pause as Chakotay goes>
Janeway: Yes, Seven.
Seven: I cannot be subjected to the sight of those shorts at the Olympics.
Janeway: Don’t worry, I’ll arrange a little accident.
Seven: Malfunctioning airlock controls?
Janeway: I thought I might try something new, there’s this cow…
BQ: <interrupting> Captain Janeway! I didn’t expect to see you here - I wouldn’t have thought you’d need to practice.
Seven: She does not; she is merely supervising the crew.
BQ: I can see why, nice double flip, Jenny.
Delaney Twin: I’m Megan.
Janeway: You can tell from the birthmark on her left breast.
BQ: I’m not sure I can see it.
<sounds of someone bouncing on a trampoline go on through the next 6 lines>
Janeway: If you watch closely…up…down…
BQ: Oh yes, I see it!
Janeway: …up…down…bouncy, bouncy……
BQ: I said I see it.
Janeway: …bouncy, bouncy…
Janeway: Sorry, they were hypnotic
Seven: Need I remind you of your vow of monogamy?
BQ: <laughing> A vow of monogamy? Captain “sex slut of the Delta Quadrant” Janeway?
Janeway: Shut it, Queenie!
BQ: Under the thumb are we?
BQ: You so are!
Janeway: Am not!
BQ: Then prove it
BQ: Hmm, how about you, me, Seven…a little threeway action.
Janeway: <whispering> Come on, Seven, you don’t want the Borg Queen getting one over on me do you?
Seven: <whispering> No, I would much rather see you straddling her.
Janeway: All right, we’ll see you in my quarters, twenty hundred hours, B-Y-O-T
Janeway: Bring your own toy
BQ: I have just the thing in mind…
< end of scene music>
Scene 11 – Captain’s Quarters
Narrator: Later that evening, Janeway and Seven are in the Captain’s quarters, getting ready for their visitor.
Janeway: Lube in a variety of flavours, including my personal favourite - coffee?
Janeway: Range of dildo sizes?
Janeway: Good, we’re all set.
Seven: Don’t forget the golf clubs!
Janeway: <surprised> Golf clubs?
<sound of teleport>
BQ: Captain, Seven. Is that a sand wedge in your hand or are you just happy to see me? But where are my manners, this is…
Necheyev: Seven of Nine!
BQ: No, no, she’s Seven of Nine, you’re Admiral Necheyev.
Necheyev: I know that! And I also remember now what I’m here for – to kill Seven of Nine!
<sound of scuffle then a teleport>
BQ: Admiral Janeway?
Admiral: Hello there, my little Borg Trollop. Now get out of the way so I can sort out your shit.
<scuffle is still going on, sound of spray and then scuffle stops>
Janeway: What are you geriatric slappers doing here and what the fuck are you spraying round my quarters?
Necheyev: It’s a spray to stop germs passing through time and space
Janeway: And how comes Admiral Loop-de-doop here is suddenly all sweetness and light again?
Admiral: To answer all your questions, Captain - we are here for the baby oil tag wrestling competition and I just sprayed a lust spray round your quarters to calm Admiral Necheyev down…or not as the case may be.
Necheyev: <Indignantly> So that explains it. That was no germ spray! I knew I couldn't possibly have been in lust with you…you, you, Green Slimy Bitch!
BQ: Oh, really? Admiral Janeway, maybe you would care to explain how long the lust spray lasts for
Admiral: I don’t know; I simply liked the smell of it when we just so happened to detour ever so conveniently to that sex shop through the Winky Wonky Worm Hole. Seven, you went into the details with the good Frau?
Old-Seven: The spray version is not as potent as the liquid version and lasts only a matter of minutes. How long have you been in the Delta Quadrant, Admiral Necheyev?
Necheyev: Er, erm...two days <the penny drops and suddenly dawning on her> So that means...
BQ: You really do have the hots for this Green Slimy Bitch.
Admiral: Great, so now that’s all sorted, can we have the obligatory orgy?
Janeway: It would be rude not to since we have the required number. Though I think we might be missing someone if we’re going to be having an orgy…
<sound of teleport>
Janeway: It wouldn’t be an orgy without the Klingon Floozy after all.
B’Elanna: Did someone say orgy? Can we invite Tuvok too?
Seven\Janeway\Admiral\Old-Seven\BQ: <in unison> NO!
Seven: Might I suggest using these wonderful new toys…
<sound of golf club being taken out of bag>
Janeway: Watch those clubs
Necheyev: Yes, you nearly took my head off!
Janeway: Silence! I said watch those clubs, Admiral Slutty Pants
B’Elanna: Oh yeaaaaah! Just watch you will not believe what Seven can do with them
BQ: Oh yessssssss! Seven please use me to demonstrate to Admiral Slutty Pants
Seven: What do you think, Captain? Over the desk, on the bed gripping the head board or maybe utilising our new easy access restraint equipment?
Janeway: The Restraints
<sounds of rustling and chains>
BQ: Hey, how comes the Klingon floozy gets to go first?
B’Elanna: Tough, Queenie, I'm all strapped in and you were just too slow - so much for Borg enhanced speed
Seven: You may have been fast, but not very efficient - you are still wearing your uniform
BQ: I'll take care of that <sound of uniform ripping> nice, no bra <more ripping sounds> no knickers either, you really are easy access
B’Elanna: <Moaning> ahhhhhh
Admiral: I hope you are not getting carried away with your tubules there, Queenie, you have not had my permission to play. Playing without permission requires punishment
BQ: Er, no, Admiral…I mean, yes, Admiral
Old-Seven: Was that a yes or a no?
B’Elanna: Yes, yes just there!
Admiral: Queenie, get your wet, sticky tubules out of that floozy and bend over the desk now
Old-Seven: Leather hand paddle or flogger?
Admiral: Both. You take the flogger and right buttock, I'll take the paddle and left
Old-Seven: Don't forget to count, Queenie
Admiral: Start again, you forgot the thank you
BQ: One, thank you
<sounds of thwacks continue at regular intervals in the background as the Narrator speaks and on throughout the next lines until the 12th thwack is mentioned below – there should be 11 thwacks spaced randomly to that point including the 12th (since we’ve already had one)>
Narrator: As Admiral Janeway punishes the errant Borg Queen, Janeway and Seven, the younger models, continue their education of Admiral Slutty Pants…er…I mean Admiral Necheyev
Seven: A five iron I think
Janeway: Strip, Admiral Slutty Pants, I find being naked concentrates the mind
<sound of clothing being taken off>
Seven: Really, Admiral Slutty Pants? Black lace, suspenders and stockings they certainly aren't Starfleet issue.
Janeway: No, but I think they should be. I'll bring it up at the next staff meeting
Seven: On your knees, Slutty Pants, I want you to pay attention. You will be tested.
Janeway: Oh boy, will you be tested.
Seven: Listen and learn. If I turn this handle here <cranking or handle turning sound of some kind> and adjust this strap. Now you can see why it is called easy access.
Janeway: Poor, B'Elanna, we have left you rather high and dry
Seven: High but definitely not dry by the look of it
B’Elanna: <Moaning> ooohhhhhhhh yessss ahhhh
Janeway: Sorry, Seven, my hand slipped.
Seven: You know the rules - no playing without permission or face the consequences.
Janeway: I tripped, I can't help where my hand ended up
B’Elanna: Oh yesssssssss, Captain, more
Janeway: <Whispering to Torres> Will you shut up or I will gag you
Seven: Captain, you have been warned. Admiral Janeway, when you have finished with the Borg Queen may I make use of your paddle?
Janeway: It's not my fault my hand is stuck, I'm just wiggling it trying to work it loose. One more thrust…
Janeway: And there we go!
B’Elanna: Ohhhhhh kahless yesssssssss
< the 12th thwack is heard >
BQ: Ahhhhhh, nooooooo
BQ: 12, thank you
Janeway: Arrrrrrgh <sound of falling>
Janeway: It's not my fault, I didn't know she was still kneeling there down
Necheyev: Seven, I would like to point out…ohhhhhh…that I am not playing…ahhhhhhhhhhh…without permission…yesssssssssss
Seven: Oh, really. My ocular implant is playing up is it? I am mistaken your hips are not thrusting into the Captain’s mouth?
Necheyev: Nooooooooooooooo. When the Captain fell her hair became trapped in my…ahhhhhhhh…suspenders. We are stuck. I am trying to shake her offfffffff… ffffffuck…Oh, Godddddd,,,I think her tongue just slipped.
Janeway: <licking lips> Mmmmmmmmm, delicious
Seven: Admiral, if have finished, I will need the paddle and the flogger.
Admiral: Of course, there you go, nicely warmed up for you
Old-Seven: Remove your uniform pants, Kathryn, before that damp patch gets any larger. You have to travel back through the Winky Wonky in those
Admiral: Oh good, is it time for that quick in and out you promised me?
Old-Seven: Indeed, against the wall I think
Admiral: Stop talking and Do It!
Narrator: The older Seven thrusts Admrial Janeway up against the wall while the younger Janeway and Seven take a break from their own exertions…
Seven: Captain, in the last few minutes you have fisted Torres and gone down on Slutty Pants, do you even remember our discussion on monogamy ?
Janeway: Ooooooooo, look at the old girl go. Yeah, baby, ride that implant! Good to know we still have it in us in the future, eh, Seven?
Seven: I have never doubted it for a minute. Monogamy, Captain?
<sound of uniform ripping>
Janeway: Oh look, Seven, black lace, suspenders and stockings DO become part of starfleet uniforms. You rock ladies!
Seven: CAPTAIN! If you can drag your eyes away from our future selves banging for gold. Monogamy!
Janeway: Yeah, right. mon? Mon ? It rings a bell. Oh I know who you mean - Mona Gammy cute little Ensign down in engineering. Tight butt, big knockers, willing tongue
Seven: Nevermind. Flogger or paddle?
Janeway: Both. And don't forget the five iron
< end of scene music >
Scene 12 – Holodeck
Narrator: Finally the first day of the Sexual Olympics comes round and a big crowd gathers on the Holodeck as Neelix makes the introductions…
<sounds of cheering, clapping etc>
Neelix: Welcome one and all to the first Delta Quadrant sexual Olympics!
Neelix: We have a feast of entertainment lined up for you, from a host of venues – from the spectacular pool right here beside us, the location for all the naked swimming events, to the baby oil wrestling arena brought to you in association with Frau Neun und Sechzig’s emporium of pleasure - for all your sexual needs and more!
Neelix: And…if you’ll excuse me for a moment, my pants appear to be on fire!
<sound of flames>
Doc: Er…hello everyone, I’m the Doctor and I’ll be your host while Mr Neelix sorts out his panticular malfunction.
Neelix: <in background> Help, help, my pants are on fire!
Doc: As Mr Neelix was saying, the contests will be taking place across a range of venues over the next few days, but first I think we should start things off with a little song to celebrate this wonderful event…<clears throat and then breaks into song>…woaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Babu…
<sound of slap>
Doc: Ow! Tuvok!
Tuvok: Sorry, Doctor, it was the Captain’s orders – no aural torture permitted. Anyway, I need your help - Lieutenant Torres appears to be having a temporary lapse in sanity.
Doc: What makes you think that?
Tuvok: She’s been pursuing me for days – wanting me to “stick my pulsating vulcan love stick in her hot Klingon lady garden”
Doc: I know it’s hard to believe anyone would lust after you, but it takes all sorts. Get into to the spirit of these Olympics and ride the crest of the love wave I say!
Tuvok: I will not be riding anything, least of all Lieutenant Torres.
B’Elanna: There you are, you naughty little Vulcan!
<sound of running>
Doc: <addressing the crowd once more> Ha, ha, looks like someone’s started the competition a bit early, though I’m not sure “sprinting after a superior officer in a fit of lust” was on the event list.
Neelix: Help, help, my pants are on fire!
B’Elanna: Watch where you’re going!
B’Elanna: Neelix, you bloody idiot, you could have drowned me
<sound of more splashing – someone swimming to the edge>
Neelix: Sorry, B’Elanna, I had to extinguish my pants
<sound of more swimming splashing >
Harry: Neelix, are you all right, do you need a hand?
Neelix: Oh, so now you want to give me your hand, are you sure you don’t want to give it to Tom over there in his lovely brunette wig and midnight blue evening dress
Harry: Will you stop being such an ass! You’re the only one for me, burning pants and all.
Neelix: You say the sweetest things
Harry: Now, come on, let’s get you out of those wet things
Neelix: Is that a promise…
Tom: Hey, B’Elanna, let me help you out of there.
B’Elanna: What the fuck are you wearing?
Tom: It’s for the transvestites triathlon, remember.
B’Elanna: Not really, the last few days are a bit hazy…I seem to have a vague recollection of wanting Tuvok for something or other…what was it?…nope, it’s gone.
Tom: So anyway, what do you think of my outfit?
B’Elanna: I think you look a right twat.
Tom: You’re not impressed by my exploration of my feminine side?
B’Elanna: If I want a feminine side I know where to get it, and a feminine tits and ass too. Talking of which I need to find the Captain.
Narrator: Up in the stands, Janeway and Seven are watching the proceedings
Seven: So when does the celebration of openings begin? I had mine vajazzled especially.
Seven: It is an ancient earth custom, dating from the 21st century in a backwards little province known as Essex. It involves the decoration of the female genitalia with crystals.
Janeway: Hang on, you have crystals dotted about your va-jay-jay?
Seven: Yes, though I must say it chafes a bit.
Janeway: You do realise the “opening ceremony” refers to the commencement of the games, it’s not a ceremony to celebrate…erm…openings.
Janeway: I’m sure it’s lovely, though. You can show me later
Janeway: <getting desperate> oh, look it’s the Borg Queen.
BQ: Good afternoon, Captain, Seven.
Janeway: Lost your love slave have you?
BQ: She went back through the winky wonky wormhole with your future self. They were most disappointed to miss the Olympic events, but if they’d missed the wonking of the hole they’d have been stranded here and I think we can agree one Janeway in a timeline is enough for anyone! I have to say I’m glad to be rid of Slutty Pants, she was just too clingy
Janeway: I’ve got something you could cling onto back in my quarters, it has a few restraints attached…
Seven: May I remind you about your vow, I only gave you one night off.
Janeway: Oh, come on, Seven, surely last night proved how much more fun it is without that silly vow.
BQ: Plus it appears the Klingon Slut is now free of her Vulcan infatuation.
B’Elanna: Did I hear someone call my name?
Janeway: I’ll even let you use the 5 iron AND the putter.
Seven: And the fluffy head cover in the shape of a tiger?
Janeway: Anything for you.
Seven: All right, orgy for four it is!
Janeway: Race you all back to my quarters - first one naked and down on all fours gets a severe tongue lashing from the other three
Seven: The tongue that thrusts the deepest gets a special reward later
BQ: What about the Olympics? I was looking forward to the Delaney twins in the naked trampolining?
B’Elanna: The women's events don't start until tomorrow. Have you seen who is up first today - Chakotay
BQ: Noooooooooooo, my poor eyes!
B’Elanna: Never mind that, get a move on - the Captain and Seven have a head start on us
<crowd clapping background noises>
Doc: And so without further ado, it’s time for our first event – the onto a pole vault, featuring our very own Commander Chakotay.
Chakotay: Hey, Captain, Seven where are you going? Admire my pole, see how high I can get, how tight my shorts are!
Tom: Chakotay – look out!
<sound of cow mooing and then a heavy thud>